It all started when Else sent Christopher Columbus travelling across the Atlanta Ocean on a mission from SpainMUCK. The intrepid explorer discovered islands off the east coast of OtherMUSH. He came ashore, imagining that he had discovered India LP MUD, and was overcome with a hankering to fight 8-armed Rhajii Bandits. He was immediately killed by the friendly natives, who only had 7 arms.
SpainMUCK, not to be deprived of their findings, sent one Mr. Wizard and two Mr. Hinklesteins (one dying mid-journey from a cleverly placed Nose Mine) to claim the land in the name of Spain. Upon reaching the coast, they quickly overcame the natives due to Mr. Wizard's amazing Intestine trick, aided by Mr. Hinklestein eating all the tribe's carefully horded butter and ruining their morale. Amongst the natives they discovered Troublesome Lurking Monkeybutt Jumpbuggy, who they quickly renamed Mr. Lampwick, Jewel of the Land of Gum.
These three set out inland, quickly coming upon Mr. Bubble, a viking left behind hundreds of years ago by Leif Erikson and his flatulent Norsemen. Now numbering four, they struck out as True Explorers, i.e. destroying all inherent native culture while wearing tacky silk clothing.
No help was to be had from SpainMUCK, however; they were locked in a frightening naval battle with MicroMUSH, beseiged by military vessels chock full of pre-schoolers.
Some time after, King George of Caucasian - Emperialistic - WorldtakeoverMUSH did something unknown with tea, so the four Misters wrote up a document that Mr. Lampwick signed 'John Smallberries' in very big letters.
Lots later, after some alarming incidents with the Toilet Adventure breaking off from the Union and everyone fighting and calling each other 'Johnny Toilet' and 'Billy Reba McIntyre', came the Big Red War, which was so named because it makes it sound really scary. Lots of people died in that one, but we didn't know them, so there wasn't any funeral or anything.
It wasn't long after this that Mz. Zenobia was formed from the very bowels of the Earth... which is what gives her that peculiar odor. She came upon Mr. Hinklestein and Mr. Lampwick while they were in the tub together in Iowa, and gave to them each a shard from The Original Toilet. Mr. Hinklestein put his in Mr. Wizard when he wasn't looking, and Mr. Lampwick simply denies ever receiving his, though no one ever remembered him having quite that many eyes before.
Nevertheless, the master sleuth Mr. Black literally crawled up Mr. Lampwick's nether regions with a microscope, a remarkable feat considering the size of the microscope, and shed light on the entire situation. Quite a few blimps were destroyed in the process, and a not-particularly-nice man named Bismarck lost one or two of his toes, which are now proudly displayed on Mr. Bubble's forehead.
About 30 years later, after some jerk crashed into a supermarket or stockmarket or something, a short man with a moustache started walking around and telling people to do nasty things to other people in German. He went unchecked until mr. psycho, a local ramen noodle salesman, sat on his head instantly destroying him, and averting much war and force-feeding of yams.
Meanwhile, not too far from where you're sitting right now, Mr. Lampwick had had his rectum utterly destroyed after sitting on The Tower of Power. Mr. Magoo was the man on the scene and absolutely botched the rescue attempt. It was during that episode that the oft-used phrase, "No, stop. It hurts a whole lot more when you push me down," was first coined.
Then followed a period of unrest. Radical groups were formed and everyone was plotting murder. Mr. psycho, a member of one of these groups, The Black Penguins, went into seclusion after deciding he didn't have the stomach for all the killing. Fortunately for everybody a wandering minstrel named Mr. Jarin was becoming popular and his message of love and sex with birds was being spread across the land.